Starting late last week, I started feeling like I could breathe a little bit. After about 3 weeks of constantly writing, intermixed with continued science and other related activities (still running simulations! what's new?), I finally had what constituted a draft of my thesis. It was exciting, though it's also beaten me down -- I began excited about writing, as it was something new and different for my mind to think about at least, but now that feeling has passed. Now I just want to finish.
Perhaps I will feel better when I actually get approval from my advisor. But the fact is that I still feel as if all of this has been thrown together and that I am still out on an island alone. Part of me still doesn't believe that I've actually done good work, that I'll actually graduate, and that life will actually move on. It's not fun, and it's taken a toll on my mental health. I need a mentor, someone who I feel I can trust for guidance and support. This whole experience over the past few months has destroyed my self-confidence, such that I just never am sure of what I'm doing or whether what I'm doing is right.
Whew, the post turned from positive to negative in a heartbeat :(
It's just frustrating when my advisor doesn't even reply to my emails with an acknowledgment that he will read the things I've sent him as soon as I can. Again, this may all just be in my head, but I feel a bit abandoned.
I also realize that I am dealing with real academic adversity for the first time in my life. It's difficult for me to distinguish perception from reality, though -- how much of this is manufactured in my head because I am not meeting some feeling of expectation that I hold for myself? And, more importantly, are those expectations grounded in my own personal goals or are they based on comparing myself to others? I think it's probably the latter -- that I've always been the best at what I do, and clearly that just isn't the case anymore.
Unfortunately the apparent stress that that causes me is actually, to a certain degree, ruining my day-to-day life right now. Because I'm fairly certain that I've spent my entire life deriving happiness from 1) doing better than others, and 2) knowing that other people see this. But can I come to terms with the idea that #1 isn't happening? Or, better yet, can I stop caring about that? I dont know, I think it's been how I've comported myself throughout my life unfortunately.
Anyways, that's enough venting, today is the first day of March Madness. Awesome.
Perhaps I will feel better when I actually get approval from my advisor. But the fact is that I still feel as if all of this has been thrown together and that I am still out on an island alone. Part of me still doesn't believe that I've actually done good work, that I'll actually graduate, and that life will actually move on. It's not fun, and it's taken a toll on my mental health. I need a mentor, someone who I feel I can trust for guidance and support. This whole experience over the past few months has destroyed my self-confidence, such that I just never am sure of what I'm doing or whether what I'm doing is right.
Whew, the post turned from positive to negative in a heartbeat :(
It's just frustrating when my advisor doesn't even reply to my emails with an acknowledgment that he will read the things I've sent him as soon as I can. Again, this may all just be in my head, but I feel a bit abandoned.
I also realize that I am dealing with real academic adversity for the first time in my life. It's difficult for me to distinguish perception from reality, though -- how much of this is manufactured in my head because I am not meeting some feeling of expectation that I hold for myself? And, more importantly, are those expectations grounded in my own personal goals or are they based on comparing myself to others? I think it's probably the latter -- that I've always been the best at what I do, and clearly that just isn't the case anymore.
Unfortunately the apparent stress that that causes me is actually, to a certain degree, ruining my day-to-day life right now. Because I'm fairly certain that I've spent my entire life deriving happiness from 1) doing better than others, and 2) knowing that other people see this. But can I come to terms with the idea that #1 isn't happening? Or, better yet, can I stop caring about that? I dont know, I think it's been how I've comported myself throughout my life unfortunately.
Anyways, that's enough venting, today is the first day of March Madness. Awesome.
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