A gorgeous, relaxing weekend

Oh Spring, how I love you.

Yesterday (Saturday) and today brought absolutely gorgeous weather: 50-60F, calm and sunny.  This was the first official day of Spring from any relevant practical metric.

Saturday morning I awoke at 11am, rolled over, saw the sun and recalled a vague forecast of warm weather, and texted my friend to bike over to Sofra near Belmont for some brunch.  After some delicious turkish brunch consumed outside, we weren't sure what to do but decided just to bike around for a while.  We headed towards the Charles river, then turned West to venture into new land that we had not seen before.  We hopped across the river at the next bridge, where the signs pointed us towards Allston.  Gladly, we headed in that direction, arriving at the Sunset Grille for an afternoon beer and some nachos.

By this time, it was clear that the day-long adventure was on.

So we subsequently biked all the way down Comm. Ave into Boston, taking advantage of the amazing new bike lanes -- even now through the underpass beneath Mass. Ave -- until we reached Boston Common.  After lounging on the grass under the sun for 45 minutes among the throngs of fellow sunbathers, we biked up towards the North End, swung by the Garden, and crossed over a new pedestrian bridge that links the edge of Charlestown to northeast Cambridge near the Museum of Science.  We pass by Lechmere and the Galleria and make one final stop at Atwood's Tavern.

We had decided that we would check to see if the patio was open, and if it were, we would get a beer.  Upon arriving at the door, we're greeted by a big chalkboard sign that states "You'll come in and ask us if the patio is open.  I'll tell you it's not, and then you'll stay for a beer anyways. Yes."  Sooo hilarious and spot on. And so, naturally, we did.

All in all, 16.7 miles: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=5869423 (not sure how long these links last for...)

We capped off the night with a stop at Back Bar later on for one final drink out with a close friend.  It was a bit strange, in the sense that it felt like any other night out.  Yet it shouldn't have; it should have signaled the end of an era in my life and my friend's too.  Yet, perhaps because he will be back again in three weeks for a weekend, or perhaps because we've simply been in this era of our lives for more than 5 years now that it's just to be expected, it didn't.  I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but I don't like it -- I have no problem at all with change in life, but I do need closure and acceptance/acknowledgement/celebration of the end of one step and the start of a new one.  Such real, specific, finite moments in time are important, at least for me mentally.  I felt the same about how little fanfare there was for my roommate Alex's departure last week as well.

As for today, I went for a long run, helped clean the kitchen, cleaned and began refinishing the chair and bench on our back porch, cooked some delicious food, did some laundry, watched some basketball (with the most gruesome injury of all time for Louisville vs. Duke), watched 60 minutes, and just enjoyed life.

This was a wonderful weekend.  Partly because it was the first one of the Spring, but also partly because it was the first one that I really let myself enjoy.  It reminded me of how much life there is outside of work, and how many little tasks/events/things there are in life that I miss when I sit around being stressed out, or when I (over)plan every last second of my day and night and leave no room for the random, the whimsical, the unexpected.

I can't wait to not know what's next.

Newtowne Grille

Last night we rocked $12 for a high-quality cheese pizza + a pitcher of PBR on trivia night at Newtowne Grille (there may or may not be an 'e' at the end of one or both of those words).  We took second place overall, though I contributed effectively nothing to the team's effort.  It had been at least a couple of years since I had last been there, ah such fun times on a random thursday night :)

A busy day full of emotion

What a crazy day I had yesterday, so many things happened, some random and some emotional, that kind of overwhelmed me:

• Our roommate Alex packed up a big truck and moved out, heading out to San Francisco, and taking with him one of our couches and lots of other random things from the apartment
• We switched cable/internet to RCN
• We got a new dishwasher
• I made the official call to Princeton to let them know I am coming, and sent the official email declining the offer at NCAR
• I finally made some progress (I think) in how I show some of my research results
• A couple close friends came over last night to grill and play board games before one of them leaves town for good at the end of the week
• Someone I dated on OK Cupid stopped by to pick up earrings before moving out of town and wanted to say hi, though I was terribly busy at that very moment and felt very awkward about doing so, so I avoided it.

Whew, lots of things happening.  I'm still struggling to deal with my emotions for my thesis/future, and all these other events, some of which obviously are less significant than others, made for a very emotionally-confusing day.

Perhaps the biggest event was actually my roommate leaving, who I think we didn't do much to celebrate his leaving, which I now find tremendously sad given that I saw him as our effective apartment greeter and friend every single day, and now I likely won't see him again other than an occasional visit here or there.  He was a unique character without a doubt, but I am definitely going to miss him, yet I don't think I processed that fact even the slightest bit until yesterday.  Even now, going downstairs and seeing his empty room is making me sad.

So anyways, busy busy times. I feel a little overwhelmed.

Princeton and Inspiration

I've spent the past three weeks battling over a difficult life decision, though one for which I am very grateful and lucky to have.  I have two standing offers for post-doc positions, one a Fellowship at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, CO, and another at Princeton University in the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering.

Three weeks ago, I heard back from the NCAR ASP Fellowship program informing me of my acceptance, but then unfortunately only providing two weeks to respond, a deadline that I was only able to push back by a few days.  I have a planned trip to NCAR to give a talk in mid-April, which I had hoped would provide me the opportunity to get a good sense of what life would be like working there.  This was to follow on from my visit to Princeton in early March, and from these trips I would make my decision. In the case of NCAR, the circumstances has altered this plan, and so I phoned a couple of folks at NCAR with whom I thought I would be most likely to work to get a feeling for what the opportunities would be while there.

There were a number of important considerations, both personal and professional, that I have been weighing.  In terms of personal life, Boulder is a beautiful city within a couple of hours from the mountain slopes that boasts a high quality of life and a low cost of living. Three of my close friends actually live there now or will be living there. And the NCAR fellowship pays very very well.  In contrast, Princeton itself is in the middle of New Jersey, though is only an hour or so from New York City, Philly, and an additional hour from DC.  I also have a couple of close friends who will be there. And Princeton pays less in an area with a higher cost of living, though this is pending a response from two Fellowships to which I applied but from which I won't hear back until after I must make my decision.  Clearly, in terms of personal life, it's NCAR 1 Princeton 0.

On the professional side, NCAR is a premiere spot for atmospheric science, whereas at Princeton I would be working in a Civil and Environmental Engineering department with a wide array of people, resources, and topics of research.  Importantly, I've come to realize that my life as a young scientist over the past couple of years hasn't actually made me particularly happy.  My young professional career thusfar has basically always been without barriers, which it turns out can allow one to make choices based on perceived value (e.g. prestige) rather than personal/professional satisfaction.  It also means that I never have had to really think about what makes me happy.  But one thing that clearly does not is the daily grind of doing basic science.

So I've finally pushed myself to think hard about a simple question: what inspires me?  I know in my life that I have become highly inspired -- i.e. those activities that you choose to pursue with utmost excitement undeterred by barriers of time, space, or distraction -- on a number of occasions: trans fat, global warming group and website, econ damage paper.  Individual, independent research does not fall on that list.  Instead, the things I love entail activities that involve working for people or, at the least, working with people.

In short, I like making people happy.  It's a characteristic that, frankly, does not translate well at all to being a scientist, at least not when it is your primary motivation.

So what does this mean for my professional life?  It means that the choice between NCAR and Princeton is one between static change and new opportunity.  In the former, I am continuing to be a scientist in a purely academic setting amongst a similar set of peers as I have been throughout grad school.  In the latter, I will have significant exposure to a much broader set of topics and professional opportunities, though admittedly the atmospheric science resources available will be much more limited.  But if I don't want a career as a basic scientist, then what's most important is that I find myself a new environment where I can find new options and challenges. Above all else, I need to feel excited.

I've come to realize that my personal satisfaction is closely tied to my perception of my professional fulfillment.  Put simply, I need to do what makes me happy.  It doesn't matter what that is, though internalizing this notion is not nearly as easy as you'd think.  But I know what that isn't -- it's what I've been doing for the past 5 years.

Which means it's time for a new path, one full of opportunities that I can explore in order to really, truly figure out what it is that inspires me. Risk? Consulting? Teaching? Science? Policy?

I like the way my officemate put it: the positive way to view grad school was simply a test period to see if I like research.  I now know that I don't like doing research alone.  So it's time to try out some new options and see where they lead me.  And to abandon long-held fantasies about what I "should" be -- a Professor, a scientist -- and let me decide for myself.

Princeton, here I come :)

Getting over the hump

Starting late last week, I started feeling like I could breathe a little bit.  After about 3 weeks of constantly writing, intermixed with continued science and other related activities (still running simulations! what's new?), I finally had what constituted a draft of my thesis.  It was exciting, though it's also beaten me down -- I began excited about writing, as it was something new and different for my mind to think about at least, but now that feeling has passed.  Now I just want to finish.

Perhaps I will feel better when I actually get approval from my advisor.  But the fact is that I still feel as if all of this has been thrown together and that I am still out on an island alone.  Part of me still doesn't believe that I've actually done good work, that I'll actually graduate, and that life will actually move on. It's not fun, and it's taken a toll on my mental health.  I need a mentor, someone who I feel I can trust for guidance and support.  This whole experience over the past few months has destroyed my self-confidence, such that I just never am sure of what I'm doing or whether what I'm doing is right.

Whew, the post turned from positive to negative in a heartbeat :(

It's just frustrating when my advisor doesn't even reply to my emails with an acknowledgment that he will read the things I've sent him as soon as I can.  Again, this may all just be in my head, but I feel a bit abandoned.

I also realize that I am dealing with real academic adversity for the first time in my life. It's difficult for me to distinguish perception from reality, though -- how much of this is manufactured in my head because I am not meeting some feeling of expectation that I hold for myself?  And, more importantly, are those expectations grounded in my own personal goals or are they based on comparing myself to others?  I think it's probably the latter -- that I've always been the best at what I do, and clearly that just isn't the case anymore.

Unfortunately the apparent stress that that causes me is actually, to a certain degree, ruining my day-to-day life right now.  Because I'm fairly certain that I've spent my entire life deriving happiness from 1) doing better than others, and 2) knowing that other people see this.  But can I come to terms with the idea that #1 isn't happening?  Or, better yet, can I stop caring about that?  I dont know, I think it's been how I've comported myself throughout my life unfortunately.

Anyways, that's enough venting, today is the first day of March Madness.  Awesome.

Tasty Burger and IHOP

Uh oh.

Following a few hours at home for my roommate's going away party, I headed out to meet up with a friend out for his birthday. We headed out to reach the Tasty Burger before its supposed bar time of 1am so that we could check out the bar.  We were successful, and we also learned that bar time is in fact 2am just like all the others.  So we chowed down on our respective meat/veggie burgers, fries, and onion rings with pitchers of beer in hand.

Then we went to IHOP.  It started as a joke, but then it actually happened.  The hashbrowns and eggs were undoubtedly delicious.  The cab ride home -- after losing an hour for daylight savings time -- was a little painful. I reached my front door at around 440am.

The New York Times had beat me to it.

Progress and Positivity

Today was a good day.  It may change tomorrow when I get feedback from my advisor. But today, after sending my advisor a quite long paper with much of my recent work, I finally (3 months after my friend emailed it to me!) downloaded and opened the MIT thesis LaTeX template.  It felt quite daunting and terrifying at first, but after putting in a few hours getting things set up, I quickly can see how a thesis can become as long as they often are.

Also, I've realized in the past day or so how many of the side-track projects that I delved into only briefly over the past couple of years -- many of which I had basically forgotten about -- it's clear that I actually have done quite a lot during my tenure here.  But only recently, perhaps forced by the weight of an impending deadline, have I come to recognize and synthesize the outcomes of these various endeavors into a broader framework of my topic of hurricane size.

The result has been, perhaps for the first time in at least one year but perhaps more like two or three, I felt a surge of pride about what I've accomplished.

I hope this continues.  At least for a little while.

Whoa

Time is flying by.  Things:

• Last Friday: went to visit Princeton.  Left in a much better mood than I arrived.  I think that's a good sign.
• Weekend: lots of work. Saw the Oscar-nominated animated shorts, which was... okay... though apparently they all had to be no-talking.
• Week: MASS seminar went well, but now onto my actual thesis.  Yikes.  But finally.  And hopefully.

I need sleep, badly.