Whew, what a week. Following the prodding of my advisor, I went ahead and set my thesis defense date with my Committee for Tuesday, April 30th. I then proceeded to emotionally freak out about as much as I ever have in my life -- for three nights in a row, I couldn't fall asleep for hours (I usually am asleep within seconds; last night I was texting a friend and fell asleep during the intervening 4 minutes between my sent text and her response, which I only got this morning) and I was physically beleaguered (back and neck pains, weird headaches, loss of appetite, fatigue).
I had originally thought it was just fallout from 5 consecutive days of hard work and nights of partying culminating in the fry party and 5K, but I realized as I laid restlessly in my bed that at least as big of a part of it was that my brain literally couldn't go more than 5 seconds without thinking (stressing) about thesis-related items. And with it, I was not breathing -- my breaths had become very short, and I realized that it wasn't implausible that all my strange headaches and body pains were literally due to a lack of oxygen.
This was obviously a serious problem, and I needed to find a way to control my brain and fast. Just recognizing this stress was a huge step though. It was obvious that this wasn't healthy, and that there was no point in living a life as stressed out as that. I stopped my brain and began just listening to my own breaths -- meditation -- focusing on taking long, deep inhales and exhales. I did this over the span of perhaps 10-15 minutes, and gradually I could feel my entire body and brain relaxing, probably for the first time in days. I stayed positive, imagining all those little oxygen molecules, entering my body through every ultra-deep breath I took, swimming through and restoring my muscles to their normal function. And finally, I fell asleep, feeling much better the following day.
Continuing this process, I wrote up an outline of my thesis, as recommended by my advisor who would see the distress in my face as we discussed the prospect of a Spring graduation. That was also a fantastic idea, as it allowed me to organize the ~3 years of work that was jumbled in my brain, never having been placed together in a coherent context. For the first time, I could see where everything I had done -- which really was quite a bit -- related to one another. And finally, the many elements of my thesis could be placed neatly on paper, and every subsequent topic/idea/thought that popped into my brain could be quietly added.
My brain was off the hook. And with it, my stress level dropped, and my excitement level increased, as I'm finally approaching a milestone in my adult life.
I had originally thought it was just fallout from 5 consecutive days of hard work and nights of partying culminating in the fry party and 5K, but I realized as I laid restlessly in my bed that at least as big of a part of it was that my brain literally couldn't go more than 5 seconds without thinking (stressing) about thesis-related items. And with it, I was not breathing -- my breaths had become very short, and I realized that it wasn't implausible that all my strange headaches and body pains were literally due to a lack of oxygen.
This was obviously a serious problem, and I needed to find a way to control my brain and fast. Just recognizing this stress was a huge step though. It was obvious that this wasn't healthy, and that there was no point in living a life as stressed out as that. I stopped my brain and began just listening to my own breaths -- meditation -- focusing on taking long, deep inhales and exhales. I did this over the span of perhaps 10-15 minutes, and gradually I could feel my entire body and brain relaxing, probably for the first time in days. I stayed positive, imagining all those little oxygen molecules, entering my body through every ultra-deep breath I took, swimming through and restoring my muscles to their normal function. And finally, I fell asleep, feeling much better the following day.
Continuing this process, I wrote up an outline of my thesis, as recommended by my advisor who would see the distress in my face as we discussed the prospect of a Spring graduation. That was also a fantastic idea, as it allowed me to organize the ~3 years of work that was jumbled in my brain, never having been placed together in a coherent context. For the first time, I could see where everything I had done -- which really was quite a bit -- related to one another. And finally, the many elements of my thesis could be placed neatly on paper, and every subsequent topic/idea/thought that popped into my brain could be quietly added.
My brain was off the hook. And with it, my stress level dropped, and my excitement level increased, as I'm finally approaching a milestone in my adult life.
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